When I had I thought that I was going to be spending the holidays without my parents I never really paid much mind. I didn't realize that it would be a big deal, that it would prove to be more than just another day. I suppose to some people December 25th is just another day, I hoped it to be the same for me. But the truth is, it wasn't the same as any other day and I really didn't enjoy anything that happened. I spent the majority of my day with people who either didn't celebrate Christmas or had no one to celebrate it with and I grouped into the latter category. I am not religious and do not share the religious attachment to the holiday that many do but I have spent the first 19 Christmas' of my life with the people who have shaped my life and with that I have developed the traditional attachment to this holiday. It has been a landmark in every year of my life and this year was no different in terms of importance. I have realized that it is not about presents, but about presence. The presence of the people you love, of the people you would like to relax with, spend time with and share with. This year I was welcomed graciously into the home of another family, of people who know one another and share the same experience. I feel as though it was a good experience and that I would have been no where near as contented without some semblance of holiday spirit but I felt like an outsider. I realize that I want nothing more than to share days like these with my family, with the people whom I have always spent them with. I know that I won't be able to spend every Christmas with my family because of many different reasons that will arise with time but I guess I just plainly did not realize the effect not having my family would have on me. Despite the arguments and falling outs I have with these people they are the people who love me unconditionally, the people I love unconditionally.
This all feels very strange.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Chapter One: A New Hope
As of late I've come to many realizations and I feel as though it has been a very influential and necessary series of thought progressions. I've spent so much of my time, so many years of my life brooding on negativity. Focusing so intently on my failures and my inability escape failure. I'm aware that few relate with the malicious, self-inflicted and often pre-medidated torture of being consumed by personal failure. Due to the self infliction of this sort of torture it seems jaded and destructive, in essence it is. Regardless of intent it proves a vicious cycle. However, I no longer feel a contempt for those to whom I can't relate and for those who do not understand my troubles. As self inflicted as much of my pain has been, it has held such an unbreakable grasp on my life that it felt immovable. Providing nothing but criticism, self-sabotage and always reducing me to the relentless depths of self-deprication. My anxieties, my depressions, my frequent bouts of self loathing became the basis of my thoughts; the intial premises that lead me away from progress, growth and contentment. I have let my mind stand in the way of itself for sometime now. I have let my most proficient saviour hold a gun to my head.
I have come to realize that life is not predictable; that you in fact have no way of distinguishing which curve ball will knock your teeth out and leave you breathless. This realization as apparent as it may seem is one I have grappled with for my entire life. In order to accept the premise that one cannot predict the events in life to the degree of direct influence one has to accept that the only constant is the existence of variables. If someone had asked me one month ago what I thought would come of the next, I would only be able to speculate. Although extremely unexpected and occassionally tumultuous these experiences triggered an urgency for flight. Many people wish not to experience hardships and struggles that life bestows upon us. They want nothing more than the American Dream; stimulated by granules of sugar and team sports. And as much as I spent hours yearning to join them, to be un-encombered of the weight of and ability to formulate these Achilles abstractions. To be reduced to a longing for the blind comfort of ignorance.
I've learned from this that I am the only variable I have the ability to control. I and only I, posses the faculties necessary to overcome the struggles and most importantly, to qualititate the malaise. I now realize that armed with capacity of a functioning, rational mind there is an opportunity to gain insight and to experience self edification. The use of rational thought has proved invaluable in my internal struggles. My newly shall I say 'realized' ablitity to analyze situations as objectively as possible has proven paramount to my ability to avail myself of the the potential of the human mind. I have come to firmly believe that in every experience there is a lesson to be learned, there is a choice to be made and there is a genuine opportunity to grow.
I have shown myself that self loathing and displacement of blame have no right residing within the walls of my mind. I am replacing struggle with determination. I am irradicating my acceptance of failure and half ass-ness. I will not sell myself to groundling bidders, I have held out for the highest offer and she is here to collect. I will no longer accept alternative directions formulated by the craving of the facile. I value others by their ability to use their minds, to create, contribute and cultivate. As humans we must take advantage of our capacity to formulate ideas and extrapolate from point A to infinity. Our entire sociopolictical and economic structure facilitates our ability to reap what our minds produce. If one was to truthfully wish to escape their mind it would be to preform the greatest injustice on oneself. Often it seems to me as though it is those of us who know most of our gifts that struggle with the dilemma of actualization. When in possession of heightened faculties of reason and analysis it becomes easy get caught in the egotism of intelligence. Instead of applying our theories and hypothoseis we hide behind laurels of intellect.
Until now my gift of intelligence and the capacity to comprehend has proved a venerable facade to the world and sufficive representation of my character. Although adequate to others it has long since begun to proliferate my mental stagnation. I had begun to accept my intelligence at face value, as most others accept it. In coming to the realization that I could search within myself and find the strength learn from the most negative and seemingly devestating of situations I illuminated the false reality I was hiding in. I used to believe that only some events in life possess a didactic quality and would present themselves accordingly. But the joyous reality is that if you search hard enough, if you objectively rationalize and don't to sucumb to the reactionary and the emotional you will feel as though the insight you've gained has qwelled your pain or sadness. I've found in the month past I have found solace in my ability to control the way situations effect me. I believe that this is the Holy Grail of intelligence and in essence of the Human Mind. Although we cannot control what happens to us, or begin to predict the endless possibilites of circumstances, we have the overarching power to control what we do when faced with the mundane to the monumental. We have the ability as rational humans to determine the end result of our experiences. We formulate thoughts that lead us to act, grow, and learn based on what we encounter and personally take whatever we will. No more will I stand surrounded in the static safety of a comfortable facade and pretend that is excusable to embrace mental lethargy.
My life has been given a new hope, or rather I should say an improved hope. I have realized that I can control my thoughts and emotions and use the that ability to find meaning and purpose in things that would have devestated me at any other point in my life. I have rediscovered the value of introversion for the sake of self betterment. Relativity and context have acted as sword and sheild against doubt, insecurity and stagnance. Finding solace and strength in yourself is so utterly liberating, it possesses a quality energy. That you have been able to take something and learn from it, really learn from it. To always possess the knowledge and rationality that you will forever have as ammunition against the next challenge, as the fuel to keep pushing forward.
My future has never seemed brighter, I have never felt more confident in myself. I am at the point where I'm ready for the next battle, the next attempt to take out my knees, to catch me off guard and send me reeling. I am ready for anything you throw at me world, I want all of it. I'll show you what I've got and God damn I'll take what's mine.
I have come to realize that life is not predictable; that you in fact have no way of distinguishing which curve ball will knock your teeth out and leave you breathless. This realization as apparent as it may seem is one I have grappled with for my entire life. In order to accept the premise that one cannot predict the events in life to the degree of direct influence one has to accept that the only constant is the existence of variables. If someone had asked me one month ago what I thought would come of the next, I would only be able to speculate. Although extremely unexpected and occassionally tumultuous these experiences triggered an urgency for flight. Many people wish not to experience hardships and struggles that life bestows upon us. They want nothing more than the American Dream; stimulated by granules of sugar and team sports. And as much as I spent hours yearning to join them, to be un-encombered of the weight of and ability to formulate these Achilles abstractions. To be reduced to a longing for the blind comfort of ignorance.
I've learned from this that I am the only variable I have the ability to control. I and only I, posses the faculties necessary to overcome the struggles and most importantly, to qualititate the malaise. I now realize that armed with capacity of a functioning, rational mind there is an opportunity to gain insight and to experience self edification. The use of rational thought has proved invaluable in my internal struggles. My newly shall I say 'realized' ablitity to analyze situations as objectively as possible has proven paramount to my ability to avail myself of the the potential of the human mind. I have come to firmly believe that in every experience there is a lesson to be learned, there is a choice to be made and there is a genuine opportunity to grow.
I have shown myself that self loathing and displacement of blame have no right residing within the walls of my mind. I am replacing struggle with determination. I am irradicating my acceptance of failure and half ass-ness. I will not sell myself to groundling bidders, I have held out for the highest offer and she is here to collect. I will no longer accept alternative directions formulated by the craving of the facile. I value others by their ability to use their minds, to create, contribute and cultivate. As humans we must take advantage of our capacity to formulate ideas and extrapolate from point A to infinity. Our entire sociopolictical and economic structure facilitates our ability to reap what our minds produce. If one was to truthfully wish to escape their mind it would be to preform the greatest injustice on oneself. Often it seems to me as though it is those of us who know most of our gifts that struggle with the dilemma of actualization. When in possession of heightened faculties of reason and analysis it becomes easy get caught in the egotism of intelligence. Instead of applying our theories and hypothoseis we hide behind laurels of intellect.
Until now my gift of intelligence and the capacity to comprehend has proved a venerable facade to the world and sufficive representation of my character. Although adequate to others it has long since begun to proliferate my mental stagnation. I had begun to accept my intelligence at face value, as most others accept it. In coming to the realization that I could search within myself and find the strength learn from the most negative and seemingly devestating of situations I illuminated the false reality I was hiding in. I used to believe that only some events in life possess a didactic quality and would present themselves accordingly. But the joyous reality is that if you search hard enough, if you objectively rationalize and don't to sucumb to the reactionary and the emotional you will feel as though the insight you've gained has qwelled your pain or sadness. I've found in the month past I have found solace in my ability to control the way situations effect me. I believe that this is the Holy Grail of intelligence and in essence of the Human Mind. Although we cannot control what happens to us, or begin to predict the endless possibilites of circumstances, we have the overarching power to control what we do when faced with the mundane to the monumental. We have the ability as rational humans to determine the end result of our experiences. We formulate thoughts that lead us to act, grow, and learn based on what we encounter and personally take whatever we will. No more will I stand surrounded in the static safety of a comfortable facade and pretend that is excusable to embrace mental lethargy.
My life has been given a new hope, or rather I should say an improved hope. I have realized that I can control my thoughts and emotions and use the that ability to find meaning and purpose in things that would have devestated me at any other point in my life. I have rediscovered the value of introversion for the sake of self betterment. Relativity and context have acted as sword and sheild against doubt, insecurity and stagnance. Finding solace and strength in yourself is so utterly liberating, it possesses a quality energy. That you have been able to take something and learn from it, really learn from it. To always possess the knowledge and rationality that you will forever have as ammunition against the next challenge, as the fuel to keep pushing forward.
My future has never seemed brighter, I have never felt more confident in myself. I am at the point where I'm ready for the next battle, the next attempt to take out my knees, to catch me off guard and send me reeling. I am ready for anything you throw at me world, I want all of it. I'll show you what I've got and God damn I'll take what's mine.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Sometimes the things that happen in my life really amaze me. To be honest, they cease to amaze me. A sensory assault on a daily basis, I can't believe my eyes. I don't really know to be honest what the things in my life mean. I wish I had any idea what these pawns will play in the grand scheme of my life. I have no idea. I often feel so lost, so devastated. So unsure of the point to life. Often times I feel brief pangs of suicide. But I could never end my life because there is always some part of me knows that enduring those pains will one day reward me with the gift of a happiness that out ways and outlasts the pain. I don't know why I feel this hope but it almost feels like a potential. A potential for experiencing greatness. Not necessarily to others but just to my own self-worth and self experience. I just want to experience everything I can. Good and bad. Often times I spend my days perplexed of the purpose of the anxiety, of the stress, of the loathing, but I always keep pushing on. I don't know why I feel the necessity of solidifying these thoughts in phrase but it is proving therapeutic. I haven't been able to articulate myself this well in ages. I sense this is an internal conversation externalized. A way to breathe myself, to purify the air.
I am free, this was a personal purification therapy. When I decided to write my thoughts tonight I wanted to be self loathing and dismal. At the beginning I was. But by visualizing my thoughts through my keyboard I have lifted a weight off my mind, lightened my chest, cleared the lump in my throat. I almost feel victorious. I suppose it is strange that I take such joys in my personal achievements but I need to grow, I need to perservere.
I wish this was private.
I am free, this was a personal purification therapy. When I decided to write my thoughts tonight I wanted to be self loathing and dismal. At the beginning I was. But by visualizing my thoughts through my keyboard I have lifted a weight off my mind, lightened my chest, cleared the lump in my throat. I almost feel victorious. I suppose it is strange that I take such joys in my personal achievements but I need to grow, I need to perservere.
I wish this was private.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I wish that I could find time to accurately depict how I have been feeling as of late. The strangest things seem to happen to me all at once. I'm met with so many ups and downs, so many unexpected and often unexplainable things greet me with every day. I'd like to pretend that I'm used to it by now but with every passing day I find myself still reeling from the previous day's events.
I don't know why, I don't know why I edit my thoughts. Why I wish to deliver them more eloquently for the sake of impressing the static air that greets them. Why such hinderance, why such contempt for my own feelings. Perhaps I have been permanently effected by the thoughts of others. By the undeniable urge to satisfy I am losing myself. But for whom do I lust to satisfy? Is it the general or the specific? Why do we as humans long to have someone recognize us? Why can't we escape the self-deprecating lust for comparison? Why is she prettier, smarter and more graceful than I? Why must she get what she does not deserve. Why not I? Why not I?
Who am I to say what I deserve? Who am I to begin to say what others deserve. Objectivity for the subjective mind. Digression, digression, regression, progression, progress. Who is to say what anyone deserves but that person. I will never escape myself.
I don't know why, I don't know why I edit my thoughts. Why I wish to deliver them more eloquently for the sake of impressing the static air that greets them. Why such hinderance, why such contempt for my own feelings. Perhaps I have been permanently effected by the thoughts of others. By the undeniable urge to satisfy I am losing myself. But for whom do I lust to satisfy? Is it the general or the specific? Why do we as humans long to have someone recognize us? Why can't we escape the self-deprecating lust for comparison? Why is she prettier, smarter and more graceful than I? Why must she get what she does not deserve. Why not I? Why not I?
Who am I to say what I deserve? Who am I to begin to say what others deserve. Objectivity for the subjective mind. Digression, digression, regression, progression, progress. Who is to say what anyone deserves but that person. I will never escape myself.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Biking on your Break.
Today,
I did what I love most. I biked to work, cut off a truck who tried to run me over after. Felt so invigorating to bike that aggressively and I guess somewhat experiencedly? Thats not a word but I cant think of the other word I'm trying to look for in my head. Anyways, it really got my blood flowing today, I had way more energy from biking my butt off to work. It was awesome. I biked to see Jay at Gearhead and hung with him for a bit - Got this wicked deal off some kid who rode his all white un-machined deep v's with black spokes and hubs for 200 bucks. I'm pretty much super stoked, saves me about 250 dollars. So I saw another picture of a totally sweet bike that these dudes at geekhouse and rock city did. It's exactly the style of bike I want with a different frame colour; check it out up top!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
bikes.
outside, MBMJ comic book top bar pad.
the inside of that reversible top bar pad, BiCi NYSF.
Basic unreality.
Basic unreality.
Bikes.
So these are Freeman Double Straps, they are very, very sexy
This, are what double straps look like with sexy white Cadence Doublizers on them, must have.
This is the perfect frame. Volume Bikes Cutter Frame. I found it on eBay for 379 and in a 50cm which is unreal, it's so hard to find little bike frames for little ladies like me.
Also, really amped on this design company called bici. They make random bike products and, one of kind bar pads and shit like that, really cool. Also, I've been lurking trackosaurus and macaframa like it's no ones business lately, I guess I just really really want to get into biking more. I mean, I know my fair share about bikes, but when it comes to fixed gear and everything to do with it, I'm a huge beb. I just want have a nice bike, friends to go riding with and an appreciation for all things bike. I'm really really lame, I know
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Sunday, Sundae, Sundai.
Okay so the last spelling is bullshit, who cares. It's the Lord's day of rest and I'm being productive, fuck you Lord! I'm going to hell. Anyways, today has been sweet for the following reasons:- Cleaned my room for real (also known as not just pushing your clothes under your bed.)
- Currently doing laundry (realizing also that I have to buy new undies.)
- Cleaned my bathroom (shit was filthy due to a busted drain in the tub/soap scum fucked.)
- Cut, gripped and switched my bars on my bike (step one on the journey to a totally dope bike.)
These all seem like tedious and shitty tasks but with some fast core tunes I got it done in no time. I actually only finished work two hours ago. I'm kudosing myself right now, super lame.
I've been getting a shit load of drawing done for a few projects I have on the run. I like feeling productive, it's something I haven't felt in a long time.
Also, who's down for paragraphs that last less than 3 lines? I am! Point form without the point form. Now, let's Google Image Search productivity, because that in fact is what being productive
is all about.What we have here is a prime example of productivity. A cartoon about stars and toads that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but the clinically insane.
Don't get me wrong, bat shit is good, but this just isn't funny. Moving right along we have this asshole.
I don't know if anyone else has a problem with this shit eating/sun squishing ass clown but what this has to do with productivity I will never know. I guess we'll leave it at GIS' (googleimagesearch) attempt at being vague and artsy. But really, you could be doing at least four other things, at LEAST. All you're doing is squishing the GD Sun! Maximize your productivity dood. Squish the Sun, the Moon and 2 Planets at the same time and then we'll talk about productivity, lame.Finally we have the ever ominous issue of getting
trapped inside your Mac. It's a fear every one of us has felt from time to time I'm sure. Ever feel like your stuck at your desk, working that 9-5 grind? Well just you fucking wait until you get stuck inside your computer! You'll be eating the trash for dinner and taking the photos in PhotoBooth for the rest of your life! But in all seriousness, I think this would represent the most productivity a person could have. I mean, being stuck in a computer there's bound to be a bit of sexual tension and the next thing you know you're part computer and think of all the things you could do at once then. Productivity would have to be your new name. Productivity Computer Brains McFarlane they'd call you, Or I suppose they'd call me that. That's if I ever got stuck, but I have a MacBook so fuck that.
And so ends my talk about productivity which ironically has been the most unproductive thing I've done all day. See ya!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I have to have this bike. Or at least paint my bike like this. This pink and blue combination makes my pants feel funny. Its the perfect balance of sexy and sweet. Blue deep v in the back with the black fork/white deep v in the front combo. SO good. Fuck. I need to do this. Straight bar too? FUCK.
Matching seat and grips. A white fucking chain? God. The only thing missing is blue pedals. GODDDD DAMN YOU PERFECT THING.
Also check out this sexy skid. I could marry this man in black.
Bike me baby. I can't wait for the joy of spending
my winter nights in my garage paint my bike
slowly buying parts and building this piece of
sexy brilliance. fixie building lust.
fuck, yes.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
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