Sometimes the things that happen in my life really amaze me. To be honest, they cease to amaze me. A sensory assault on a daily basis, I can't believe my eyes. I don't really know to be honest what the things in my life mean. I wish I had any idea what these pawns will play in the grand scheme of my life. I have no idea. I often feel so lost, so devastated. So unsure of the point to life. Often times I feel brief pangs of suicide. But I could never end my life because there is always some part of me knows that enduring those pains will one day reward me with the gift of a happiness that out ways and outlasts the pain. I don't know why I feel this hope but it almost feels like a potential. A potential for experiencing greatness. Not necessarily to others but just to my own self-worth and self experience. I just want to experience everything I can. Good and bad. Often times I spend my days perplexed of the purpose of the anxiety, of the stress, of the loathing, but I always keep pushing on. I don't know why I feel the necessity of solidifying these thoughts in phrase but it is proving therapeutic. I haven't been able to articulate myself this well in ages. I sense this is an internal conversation externalized. A way to breathe myself, to purify the air.

I am free, this was a personal purification therapy. When I decided to write my thoughts tonight I wanted to be self loathing and dismal. At the beginning I was. But by visualizing my thoughts through my keyboard I have lifted a weight off my mind, lightened my chest, cleared the lump in my throat. I almost feel victorious. I suppose it is strange that I take such joys in my personal achievements but I need to grow, I need to perservere.

I wish this was private.