So I fucked up, ate non raw foods and now feel like I'm going to puke out of my pores. Uh oh.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the raw food fast. I'm pretty excited but also somewhat apprehensive. I know it is going to be difficult but I'm going to focus and battle the cravings for starch and complex proteins.

Relapsing

I feel as though I've been preconditioned to feel wrong in this. But the honest truth is that I feel as though even though it used to be a digression it no longer is. I feel as though I've mastered the digression and become able to reap the benefits of it. Taking the positive from the negative, changing the exposure of life, the brightness or dark. Becoming able to control the light. The brightness of life is just like the brightness of light. If you are surrounded by light you can see more, so thus you can perceive things more clearly; see them in their truest light. When the lights are fully turned on you can see everything, you can control the brightness of your perception. The happiness in your life. It's unbelievable how much positivity is such a fufilling way of seeing things. Although you can experience anguish and be aware of it's presence you become aware of it in a positive light. I suppose it's almost as though anguish has it's worth, in it's presence it serves as a context for happiness, for without anguish would we really understand happiness?

Just as an example, such a random one as well very situationally based one. The light in my room right now is the perfect. It isn't too bright but if you look directly at the lights they glow with such a perfect intensity it's interesting. I don't know what I like about the stark minimalism of my room but it's almost as though everything just coexists in a very 'composed' way. It' s just the light in the room creates such rich shadows and tones. Lot's of potent highlights. It's just well developed. I believe I'm now creating an art critique of the aesthetic appeal of my room but I'm enjoying a train of uninterrupted thought (except when I pause to try and figure out the spelling of a certain word.)

I'm listening to the stars (the band, not the things in the sky) I really like to listen to this band on a once in a while basis. It's really melodic and sensory, pretty rhythmic and memorable. I guess you could say it's 'catchy' I don't know. I just like it, it's very light. I adore the sound and lightness of this girl's voice, really airy i like it.

Lame.

Today

Was a good day for a few different reasons. Although today's accomplishments and smiles were based in small terms they served just as potent as the most grandoise of revelations. Today I realized the effectiveness of citrus fruit as an energizer. I know that seems very mundane and trivial but really, it my attempts to rid myself from the reliance of caffeine it proves very useful. Citrus fruit; the unsung energizing breakfast food of champions. Today also showed me the awesome power of keeping busy. Keeping busy makes time pass more quickly, it makes the day seem more rewarding and productive. I have such a great love for productivity, I don't know why but it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel energetic and happy. I like being productive because it puts a tangible worth to my actions. It shows that the ends justifies the means, that effort manifests into substance. I like being productive, I am happiest when being productive.

Awakening.

In the first days of 2009 I have spent my time being inspired, aware, focused and most importantly extremely happy. I have been surrounded in the company of my most treasured friends and comforted by the presence of an active mind. I've spent my time reading, laughing, walking, talking, observing and living. I feel as though my attitude about life towards the end of 2008 really set me up for a great new beginning, for my own personal rebirth.

I've come to be almost unsettlingly aware of so many things I had once had no insight to, and I can only hope to continue this trend with excitement. It is incredible how the wheels will always keep turning if you allow them to. If you nurture yourself and your thoughts in a way that engages everything you encounter you cannot help but feel the need to continuously encounter life. To face every situation with the awareness of the vast contingencies of our existence, to realize our capacity that is often so fleeting to change our pespective on everything. More importantly to realize the unbelievable effect of perception. It is unbelievable to me that I've only just come to understnad that there are no concrete answers in life, that one can only arrive to a premise and then ultimately be forced with the decision of action or inaction. Many people accept every answer that they recieve with the blind courtesy of inaction; because someone says it is so; does not make it that way. It's made me see a lot of connections that I didn't realize even had the slightest bit of common ground. In all honesty it has made me realize that everything is connected, that all life exists in a correlated tapestry of events, situations, actions, inactions and ultimately in living at all.

My realization of this may seem assinine to many people as I believe it something that many people come to realize, but for me it proves to be the catalyst for a life long journey of questioning. I know that I will never reach the answers in concrete forms like I have been preconditioned to search for, but it is not the cumulation I am concerned with, it is the journey.

Acceptance of the nothingness of death has really helped me realize the importance of living. Not because I am fearful of the total annihilation of death but because in it's opposetness from life it illuminates the most vivid qualities of life. It is almost liberating to realize that death snuffs out your existence completely. What better emphasis on the importance of living your life in the most engaged and aware way than the realization that when you die; you are nothing.