When I had I thought that I was going to be spending the holidays without my parents I never really paid much mind. I didn't realize that it would be a big deal, that it would prove to be more than just another day. I suppose to some people December 25th is just another day, I hoped it to be the same for me. But the truth is, it wasn't the same as any other day and I really didn't enjoy anything that happened. I spent the majority of my day with people who either didn't celebrate Christmas or had no one to celebrate it with and I grouped into the latter category. I am not religious and do not share the religious attachment to the holiday that many do but I have spent the first 19 Christmas' of my life with the people who have shaped my life and with that I have developed the traditional attachment to this holiday. It has been a landmark in every year of my life and this year was no different in terms of importance. I have realized that it is not about presents, but about presence. The presence of the people you love, of the people you would like to relax with, spend time with and share with. This year I was welcomed graciously into the home of another family, of people who know one another and share the same experience. I feel as though it was a good experience and that I would have been no where near as contented without some semblance of holiday spirit but I felt like an outsider. I realize that I want nothing more than to share days like these with my family, with the people whom I have always spent them with. I know that I won't be able to spend every Christmas with my family because of many different reasons that will arise with time but I guess I just plainly did not realize the effect not having my family would have on me. Despite the arguments and falling outs I have with these people they are the people who love me unconditionally, the people I love unconditionally.
This all feels very strange.
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