Sometimes the things that happen in my life really amaze me. To be honest, they cease to amaze me. A sensory assault on a daily basis, I can't believe my eyes. I don't really know to be honest what the things in my life mean. I wish I had any idea what these pawns will play in the grand scheme of my life. I have no idea. I often feel so lost, so devastated. So unsure of the point to life. Often times I feel brief pangs of suicide. But I could never end my life because there is always some part of me knows that enduring those pains will one day reward me with the gift of a happiness that out ways and outlasts the pain. I don't know why I feel this hope but it almost feels like a potential. A potential for experiencing greatness. Not necessarily to others but just to my own self-worth and self experience. I just want to experience everything I can. Good and bad. Often times I spend my days perplexed of the purpose of the anxiety, of the stress, of the loathing, but I always keep pushing on. I don't know why I feel the necessity of solidifying these thoughts in phrase but it is proving therapeutic. I haven't been able to articulate myself this well in ages. I sense this is an internal conversation externalized. A way to breathe myself, to purify the air.

I am free, this was a personal purification therapy. When I decided to write my thoughts tonight I wanted to be self loathing and dismal. At the beginning I was. But by visualizing my thoughts through my keyboard I have lifted a weight off my mind, lightened my chest, cleared the lump in my throat. I almost feel victorious. I suppose it is strange that I take such joys in my personal achievements but I need to grow, I need to perservere.

I wish this was private.

I wish that I could find time to accurately depict how I have been feeling as of late. The strangest things seem to happen to me all at once. I'm met with so many ups and downs, so many unexpected and often unexplainable things greet me with every day. I'd like to pretend that I'm used to it by now but with every passing day I find myself still reeling from the previous day's events.

I don't know why, I don't know why I edit my thoughts. Why I wish to deliver them more eloquently for the sake of impressing the static air that greets them. Why such hinderance, why such contempt for my own feelings. Perhaps I have been permanently effected by the thoughts of others. By the undeniable urge to satisfy I am losing myself. But for whom do I lust to satisfy? Is it the general or the specific? Why do we as humans long to have someone recognize us? Why can't we escape the self-deprecating lust for comparison? Why is she prettier, smarter and more graceful than I? Why must she get what she does not deserve. Why not I? Why not I?

Who am I to say what I deserve? Who am I to begin to say what others deserve. Objectivity for the subjective mind. Digression, digression, regression, progression, progress. Who is to say what anyone deserves but that person. I will never escape myself.

Biking on your Break.

Today,

I did what I love most. I biked to work, cut off a truck who tried to run me over after. Felt so invigorating to bike that aggressively and I guess somewhat experiencedly? Thats not a word but I cant think of the other word I'm trying to look for in my head. Anyways, it really got my blood flowing today, I had way more energy from biking my butt off to work. It was awesome. I biked to see Jay at Gearhead and hung with him for a bit - Got this wicked deal off some kid who rode his all white un-machined deep v's with black spokes and hubs for 200 bucks. I'm pretty much super stoked, saves me about 250 dollars. So I saw another picture of a totally sweet bike that these dudes at geekhouse and rock city did. It's exactly the style of bike I want with a different frame colour; check it out up top!

Today..

I got tattooed with my dad.

fuuuck

this rules

fixie era's? fuuuuuck.

bikes.

outside, MBMJ comic book top bar pad.

the inside of that reversible top bar pad, BiCi NYSF.

Basic unreality.

Bikes.

So these are Freeman Double Straps, they are very, very sexy

This, are what double straps look like with sexy white Cadence Doublizers on them, must have.

This is the perfect frame. Volume Bikes Cutter Frame. I found it on eBay for 379 and in a 50cm which is unreal, it's so hard to find little bike frames for little ladies like me.

Also, really amped on this design company called bici. They make random bike products and, one of kind bar pads and shit like that, really cool. Also, I've been lurking trackosaurus and macaframa like it's no ones business lately, I guess I just really really want to get into biking more. I mean, I know my fair share about bikes, but when it comes to fixed gear and everything to do with it, I'm a huge beb. I just want have a nice bike, friends to go riding with and an appreciation for all things bike. I'm really really lame, I know

Sunday, Sundae, Sundai.

Okay so the last spelling is bullshit, who cares. It's the Lord's day of rest and I'm being productive, fuck you Lord! I'm going to hell. Anyways, today has been sweet for the following reasons:

- Cleaned my room for real (also known as not just pushing your clothes under your bed.)
- Currently doing laundry (realizing also that I have to buy new undies.)
- Cleaned my bathroom (shit was filthy due to a busted drain in the tub/soap scum fucked.)
- Cut, gripped and switched my bars on my bike (step one on the journey to a totally dope bike.)

These all seem like tedious and shitty tasks but with some fast core tunes I got it done in no time. I actually only finished work two hours ago. I'm kudosing myself right now, super lame.

I've been getting a shit load of drawing done for a few projects I have on the run. I like feeling productive, it's something I haven't felt in a long time.

Also, who's down for paragraphs that last less than 3 lines? I am! Point form without the point form. Now, let's Google Image Search productivity, because that in fact is what being productive is all about.
What we have here is a prime example of productivity. A cartoon about stars and toads that makes absolutely no sense to anyone but the clinically insane.
Don't get me wrong, bat shit is good, but this just isn't funny. Moving right along we have this asshole.



I don't know if anyone else has a problem with this shit eating/sun squishing ass clown but what this has to do with productivity I will never know. I guess we'll leave it at GIS' (googleimagesearch) attempt at being vague and artsy. But really, you could be doing at least four other things, at LEAST. All you're doing is squishing the GD Sun! Maximize your productivity dood. Squish the Sun, the Moon and 2 Planets at the same time and then we'll talk about productivity, lame.

Finally we have the ever ominous issue of getting
trapped inside your Mac. It's a fear every one of us has felt from time to time I'm sure. Ever feel like your stuck at your desk, working that 9-5 grind? Well just you fucking wait until you get stuck inside your computer! You'll be eating the trash for dinner and taking the photos in PhotoBooth for the rest of your life! But in all seriousness, I think this would represent the most productivity a person could have. I mean, being stuck in a computer there's bound to be a bit of sexual tension and the next thing you know you're part computer and think of all the things you could do at once then. Productivity would have to be your new name. Productivity Computer Brains McFarlane they'd call you, Or I suppose they'd call me that. That's if I ever got stuck, but I have a MacBook so fuck that.

And so ends my talk about productivity which ironically has been the most unproductive thing I've done all day. See ya!

I have to have this bike. Or at least paint my bike like this. This pink and blue combination makes my pants feel funny. Its the perfect balance of sexy and sweet. Blue deep v in the back with the black fork/white deep v in the front combo. SO good. Fuck. I need to do this. Straight bar too? FUCK.
Matching seat and grips. A white fucking chain? God. The only thing missing is blue pedals. GODDDD DAMN YOU PERFECT THING.
Also check out this sexy skid. I could marry this man in black.
Bike me baby. I can't wait for the joy of spending
my winter nights in my garage paint my bike
slowly buying parts and building this piece of
sexy brilliance. fixie building lust.
fuck, yes.