The Uncertainty Principle

But Heisenberg did not focus on the mathematics of quantum mechanics, he was primarily concerned with establishing that the uncertainty is actually a property of the world

It's so exciting to learn that quantum physics has a direct correlation to the conception of our reality. Philosophy and science belong together when we realize that is in fact impossible to be certain of anything. In it's existence, uncertainty proves to be the only certainty. Oh the irony of our existence runs so deep.

quantum field theory

These force carrying particles are virtual particles and, by definition, cannot be detected while carrying the force, because such detection will imply that the force is not being carried.

Particles that cannot be detected while carrying the force? Their intrinsic existence necessitates the inability to detect their existence. If they are doing what they are supposed to be doing you cannot detect them. I wonder how much more of the universe exists in this way. How many things are there that you cannot detect, because if you were to realize that they were there they would not be active. Fuck this is intense.

I've definitely met someone who makes me only like to hang out with myself or them. It's quite weird to spend this much time thinking about how nice it feels to have someone who really understands where you are coming from. It's nice to know there is someone out there who thinks that my abstractions are adorable. To be physically compatible as well is unbelievable, it feels unbelievable to actually fit with someone. Lie down and rest comfortably in the outline of their body. It's like there is just room for you. Wow.

So I fucked up, ate non raw foods and now feel like I'm going to puke out of my pores. Uh oh.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the raw food fast. I'm pretty excited but also somewhat apprehensive. I know it is going to be difficult but I'm going to focus and battle the cravings for starch and complex proteins.

Relapsing

I feel as though I've been preconditioned to feel wrong in this. But the honest truth is that I feel as though even though it used to be a digression it no longer is. I feel as though I've mastered the digression and become able to reap the benefits of it. Taking the positive from the negative, changing the exposure of life, the brightness or dark. Becoming able to control the light. The brightness of life is just like the brightness of light. If you are surrounded by light you can see more, so thus you can perceive things more clearly; see them in their truest light. When the lights are fully turned on you can see everything, you can control the brightness of your perception. The happiness in your life. It's unbelievable how much positivity is such a fufilling way of seeing things. Although you can experience anguish and be aware of it's presence you become aware of it in a positive light. I suppose it's almost as though anguish has it's worth, in it's presence it serves as a context for happiness, for without anguish would we really understand happiness?

Just as an example, such a random one as well very situationally based one. The light in my room right now is the perfect. It isn't too bright but if you look directly at the lights they glow with such a perfect intensity it's interesting. I don't know what I like about the stark minimalism of my room but it's almost as though everything just coexists in a very 'composed' way. It' s just the light in the room creates such rich shadows and tones. Lot's of potent highlights. It's just well developed. I believe I'm now creating an art critique of the aesthetic appeal of my room but I'm enjoying a train of uninterrupted thought (except when I pause to try and figure out the spelling of a certain word.)

I'm listening to the stars (the band, not the things in the sky) I really like to listen to this band on a once in a while basis. It's really melodic and sensory, pretty rhythmic and memorable. I guess you could say it's 'catchy' I don't know. I just like it, it's very light. I adore the sound and lightness of this girl's voice, really airy i like it.

Lame.

Today

Was a good day for a few different reasons. Although today's accomplishments and smiles were based in small terms they served just as potent as the most grandoise of revelations. Today I realized the effectiveness of citrus fruit as an energizer. I know that seems very mundane and trivial but really, it my attempts to rid myself from the reliance of caffeine it proves very useful. Citrus fruit; the unsung energizing breakfast food of champions. Today also showed me the awesome power of keeping busy. Keeping busy makes time pass more quickly, it makes the day seem more rewarding and productive. I have such a great love for productivity, I don't know why but it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel energetic and happy. I like being productive because it puts a tangible worth to my actions. It shows that the ends justifies the means, that effort manifests into substance. I like being productive, I am happiest when being productive.

Awakening.

In the first days of 2009 I have spent my time being inspired, aware, focused and most importantly extremely happy. I have been surrounded in the company of my most treasured friends and comforted by the presence of an active mind. I've spent my time reading, laughing, walking, talking, observing and living. I feel as though my attitude about life towards the end of 2008 really set me up for a great new beginning, for my own personal rebirth.

I've come to be almost unsettlingly aware of so many things I had once had no insight to, and I can only hope to continue this trend with excitement. It is incredible how the wheels will always keep turning if you allow them to. If you nurture yourself and your thoughts in a way that engages everything you encounter you cannot help but feel the need to continuously encounter life. To face every situation with the awareness of the vast contingencies of our existence, to realize our capacity that is often so fleeting to change our pespective on everything. More importantly to realize the unbelievable effect of perception. It is unbelievable to me that I've only just come to understnad that there are no concrete answers in life, that one can only arrive to a premise and then ultimately be forced with the decision of action or inaction. Many people accept every answer that they recieve with the blind courtesy of inaction; because someone says it is so; does not make it that way. It's made me see a lot of connections that I didn't realize even had the slightest bit of common ground. In all honesty it has made me realize that everything is connected, that all life exists in a correlated tapestry of events, situations, actions, inactions and ultimately in living at all.

My realization of this may seem assinine to many people as I believe it something that many people come to realize, but for me it proves to be the catalyst for a life long journey of questioning. I know that I will never reach the answers in concrete forms like I have been preconditioned to search for, but it is not the cumulation I am concerned with, it is the journey.

Acceptance of the nothingness of death has really helped me realize the importance of living. Not because I am fearful of the total annihilation of death but because in it's opposetness from life it illuminates the most vivid qualities of life. It is almost liberating to realize that death snuffs out your existence completely. What better emphasis on the importance of living your life in the most engaged and aware way than the realization that when you die; you are nothing.

Reflection:Re-evaluation

When I had I thought that I was going to be spending the holidays without my parents I never really paid much mind. I didn't realize that it would be a big deal, that it would prove to be more than just another day. I suppose to some people December 25th is just another day, I hoped it to be the same for me. But the truth is, it wasn't the same as any other day and I really didn't enjoy anything that happened. I spent the majority of my day with people who either didn't celebrate Christmas or had no one to celebrate it with and I grouped into the latter category. I am not religious and do not share the religious attachment to the holiday that many do but I have spent the first 19 Christmas' of my life with the people who have shaped my life and with that I have developed the traditional attachment to this holiday. It has been a landmark in every year of my life and this year was no different in terms of importance. I have realized that it is not about presents, but about presence. The presence of the people you love, of the people you would like to relax with, spend time with and share with. This year I was welcomed graciously into the home of another family, of people who know one another and share the same experience. I feel as though it was a good experience and that I would have been no where near as contented without some semblance of holiday spirit but I felt like an outsider. I realize that I want nothing more than to share days like these with my family, with the people whom I have always spent them with. I know that I won't be able to spend every Christmas with my family because of many different reasons that will arise with time but I guess I just plainly did not realize the effect not having my family would have on me. Despite the arguments and falling outs I have with these people they are the people who love me unconditionally, the people I love unconditionally.

This all feels very strange.

The Bible

I pledge my allegiance to the School of Objective Thought

Again with the unpredictability; all I can do is deal with each moment as it comes. Although I would love to at least gain some sort of understanding of the opposite sex. I haven't the foggiest idea on this one.

Chapter One: A New Hope

As of late I've come to many realizations and I feel as though it has been a very influential and necessary series of thought progressions. I've spent so much of my time, so many years of my life brooding on negativity. Focusing so intently on my failures and my inability escape failure. I'm aware that few relate with the malicious, self-inflicted and often pre-medidated torture of being consumed by personal failure. Due to the self infliction of this sort of torture it seems jaded and destructive, in essence it is. Regardless of intent it proves a vicious cycle. However, I no longer feel a contempt for those to whom I can't relate and for those who do not understand my troubles. As self inflicted as much of my pain has been, it has held such an unbreakable grasp on my life that it felt immovable. Providing nothing but criticism, self-sabotage and always reducing me to the relentless depths of self-deprication. My anxieties, my depressions, my frequent bouts of self loathing became the basis of my thoughts; the intial premises that lead me away from progress, growth and contentment. I have let my mind stand in the way of itself for sometime now. I have let my most proficient saviour hold a gun to my head.

I have come to realize that life is not predictable; that you in fact have no way of distinguishing which curve ball will knock your teeth out and leave you breathless. This realization as apparent as it may seem is one I have grappled with for my entire life. In order to accept the premise that one cannot predict the events in life to the degree of direct influence one has to accept that the only constant is the existence of variables. If someone had asked me one month ago what I thought would come of the next, I would only be able to speculate. Although extremely unexpected and occassionally tumultuous these experiences triggered an urgency for flight. Many people wish not to experience hardships and struggles that life bestows upon us. They want nothing more than the American Dream; stimulated by granules of sugar and team sports. And as much as I spent hours yearning to join them, to be un-encombered of the weight of and ability to formulate these Achilles abstractions. To be reduced to a longing for the blind comfort of ignorance.

I've learned from this that I am the only variable I have the ability to control. I and only I, posses the faculties necessary to overcome the struggles and most importantly, to qualititate the malaise. I now realize that armed with capacity of a functioning, rational mind there is an opportunity to gain insight and to experience self edification. The use of rational thought has proved invaluable in my internal struggles. My newly shall I say 'realized' ablitity to analyze situations as objectively as possible has proven paramount to my ability to avail myself of the the potential of the human mind. I have come to firmly believe that in every experience there is a lesson to be learned, there is a choice to be made and there is a genuine opportunity to grow.

I have shown myself that self loathing and displacement of blame have no right residing within the walls of my mind. I am replacing struggle with determination. I am irradicating my acceptance of failure and half ass-ness. I will not sell myself to groundling bidders, I have held out for the highest offer and she is here to collect. I will no longer accept alternative directions formulated by the craving of the facile. I value others by their ability to use their minds, to create, contribute and cultivate. As humans we must take advantage of our capacity to formulate ideas and extrapolate from point A to infinity. Our entire sociopolictical and economic structure facilitates our ability to reap what our minds produce. If one was to truthfully wish to escape their mind it would be to preform the greatest injustice on oneself. Often it seems to me as though it is those of us who know most of our gifts that struggle with the dilemma of actualization. When in possession of heightened faculties of reason and analysis it becomes easy get caught in the egotism of intelligence. Instead of applying our theories and hypothoseis we hide behind laurels of intellect.

Until now my gift of intelligence and the capacity to comprehend has proved a venerable facade to the world and sufficive representation of my character. Although adequate to others it has long since begun to proliferate my mental stagnation. I had begun to accept my intelligence at face value, as most others accept it. In coming to the realization that I could search within myself and find the strength learn from the most negative and seemingly devestating of situations I illuminated the false reality I was hiding in. I used to believe that only some events in life possess a didactic quality and would present themselves accordingly. But the joyous reality is that if you search hard enough, if you objectively rationalize and don't to sucumb to the reactionary and the emotional you will feel as though the insight you've gained has qwelled your pain or sadness. I've found in the month past I have found solace in my ability to control the way situations effect me. I believe that this is the Holy Grail of intelligence and in essence of the Human Mind. Although we cannot control what happens to us, or begin to predict the endless possibilites of circumstances, we have the overarching power to control what we do when faced with the mundane to the monumental. We have the ability as rational humans to determine the end result of our experiences. We formulate thoughts that lead us to act, grow, and learn based on what we encounter and personally take whatever we will. No more will I stand surrounded in the static safety of a comfortable facade and pretend that is excusable to embrace mental lethargy.

My life has been given a new hope, or rather I should say an improved hope. I have realized that I can control my thoughts and emotions and use the that ability to find meaning and purpose in things that would have devestated me at any other point in my life. I have rediscovered the value of introversion for the sake of self betterment. Relativity and context have acted as sword and sheild against doubt, insecurity and stagnance. Finding solace and strength in yourself is so utterly liberating, it possesses a quality energy. That you have been able to take something and learn from it, really learn from it. To always possess the knowledge and rationality that you will forever have as ammunition against the next challenge, as the fuel to keep pushing forward.

My future has never seemed brighter, I have never felt more confident in myself. I am at the point where I'm ready for the next battle, the next attempt to take out my knees, to catch me off guard and send me reeling. I am ready for anything you throw at me world, I want all of it. I'll show you what I've got and God damn I'll take what's mine.

I am a crazy person.

Sometimes the things that happen in my life really amaze me. To be honest, they cease to amaze me. A sensory assault on a daily basis, I can't believe my eyes. I don't really know to be honest what the things in my life mean. I wish I had any idea what these pawns will play in the grand scheme of my life. I have no idea. I often feel so lost, so devastated. So unsure of the point to life. Often times I feel brief pangs of suicide. But I could never end my life because there is always some part of me knows that enduring those pains will one day reward me with the gift of a happiness that out ways and outlasts the pain. I don't know why I feel this hope but it almost feels like a potential. A potential for experiencing greatness. Not necessarily to others but just to my own self-worth and self experience. I just want to experience everything I can. Good and bad. Often times I spend my days perplexed of the purpose of the anxiety, of the stress, of the loathing, but I always keep pushing on. I don't know why I feel the necessity of solidifying these thoughts in phrase but it is proving therapeutic. I haven't been able to articulate myself this well in ages. I sense this is an internal conversation externalized. A way to breathe myself, to purify the air.

I am free, this was a personal purification therapy. When I decided to write my thoughts tonight I wanted to be self loathing and dismal. At the beginning I was. But by visualizing my thoughts through my keyboard I have lifted a weight off my mind, lightened my chest, cleared the lump in my throat. I almost feel victorious. I suppose it is strange that I take such joys in my personal achievements but I need to grow, I need to perservere.

I wish this was private.

I wish that I could find time to accurately depict how I have been feeling as of late. The strangest things seem to happen to me all at once. I'm met with so many ups and downs, so many unexpected and often unexplainable things greet me with every day. I'd like to pretend that I'm used to it by now but with every passing day I find myself still reeling from the previous day's events.

I don't know why, I don't know why I edit my thoughts. Why I wish to deliver them more eloquently for the sake of impressing the static air that greets them. Why such hinderance, why such contempt for my own feelings. Perhaps I have been permanently effected by the thoughts of others. By the undeniable urge to satisfy I am losing myself. But for whom do I lust to satisfy? Is it the general or the specific? Why do we as humans long to have someone recognize us? Why can't we escape the self-deprecating lust for comparison? Why is she prettier, smarter and more graceful than I? Why must she get what she does not deserve. Why not I? Why not I?

Who am I to say what I deserve? Who am I to begin to say what others deserve. Objectivity for the subjective mind. Digression, digression, regression, progression, progress. Who is to say what anyone deserves but that person. I will never escape myself.

Biking on your Break.

Today,

I did what I love most. I biked to work, cut off a truck who tried to run me over after. Felt so invigorating to bike that aggressively and I guess somewhat experiencedly? Thats not a word but I cant think of the other word I'm trying to look for in my head. Anyways, it really got my blood flowing today, I had way more energy from biking my butt off to work. It was awesome. I biked to see Jay at Gearhead and hung with him for a bit - Got this wicked deal off some kid who rode his all white un-machined deep v's with black spokes and hubs for 200 bucks. I'm pretty much super stoked, saves me about 250 dollars. So I saw another picture of a totally sweet bike that these dudes at geekhouse and rock city did. It's exactly the style of bike I want with a different frame colour; check it out up top!

Today..

I got tattooed with my dad.

fuuuck

this rules

fixie era's? fuuuuuck.

bikes.

outside, MBMJ comic book top bar pad.

the inside of that reversible top bar pad, BiCi NYSF.

Basic unreality.

Bikes.

So these are Freeman Double Straps, they are very, very sexy

This, are what double straps look like with sexy white Cadence Doublizers on them, must have.

This is the perfect frame. Volume Bikes Cutter Frame. I found it on eBay for 379 and in a 50cm which is unreal, it's so hard to find little bike frames for little ladies like me.

Also, really amped on this design company called bici. They make random bike products and, one of kind bar pads and shit like that, really cool. Also, I've been lurking trackosaurus and macaframa like it's no ones business lately, I guess I just really really want to get into biking more. I mean, I know my fair share about bikes, but when it comes to fixed gear and everything to do with it, I'm a huge beb. I just want have a nice bike, friends to go riding with and an appreciation for all things bike. I'm really really lame, I know